It's A Pity



When I was first diagnosed, I asked my therapist what my greatest risk would be. I expected some spectacular answer, like, 'don't eat beef or you'll run over a cliff'...instead she looked me straight in the face and said, "Self-pity".

Busted.

Even if I didn't try to make others sorry for me, I often waddled in neck-deep pity for my poor little damaged self.

No one can blame us for sometimes feeling pretty sorry about this mess we didn't ask for. Sometimes. But beyond that, it's like poking an infected tooth. Why do it? Do you like pain?

For instance, sometimes I get very boo-hooey over the American Dream as portrayed on TV. I'll never meet that standard - I can't work enough to earn that salary. And it's not my fault! And it's not fair! Why can't I have fashionable clothing and a huge bank account and unlimited credit? Why can't I have a car that reminds one of a panther and streaks along curvy shore roads?

I have special trouble with this whenever I hit a decade birthday. I think, ‘I should have this by now. Ordinary people do. Ordinary people can work 40 hours a week. They can learn new skills and switch careers if they want to. Ordinary people finish school by the time they're 30 and find a partner without worrying about when to betray their Dark Secret.’

Well, OK, all these things may be true (notice I said may be). I may have spent 30 years learning to live with my disease while other people were using that time in other ways. And occasionally this does make me sad.

But is it true that I am deprived?

First of all, I have never hankered after the forty-hour week and settled career. I have always wanted to be a writer. So the chances are I would not have spent those years climbing the corporate ladder even were I free to do so.

Secondly - and you already know this - the advertising machinery of this country is not a trustworthy measure of what we 'should' be, or by what age we 'should' be there. Advertising is to make people want the product, buy the product, make the company some profit, and keep the good old economy going. That is its purpose. Not your purpose. Not necessarily in your best interests at all.

Thirdly, what is the good of thinking this way? Why moan about what I've missed? If I must look back, why not look at what I've achieved? As of this writing, I am in my 22nd year of recovery. I am no longer afraid to go out in public, or afraid that if I don't watch out I'll do something awful to the ones I love. I have a job that I can believe in. I have people in my life whom I respect and love, and they respect and love me in return. Would I really trade that in for a Lexus? And in the end - long after anybody normal would have thrown in the towel - I actually found that great husband and nice house in the suburbs - at 45. So you never know. Is it really time to give up yet?

Fourthly, and most importantly, this self-pity is based on a false premise. It assumes that everyone without my disease is happy and normal. Or at most, they have only minor problems that don't stack up against mine.

It's just an illusion. The longer I live, the more I find that everyone has some burden. Some of those burdens are incredibly awful. Just because you can't see the crack doesn't mean somebody’s not broken. We have not been specially picked out for grief and suffering. The human race is a sort of Special Olympics, and everyone gets a suitable handicap. This is ours.

We all get in this funk sometimes. It’s natural. But the best way out is to start counting what we do have. It adds up fast. Start with being able to read, and having access to a computer. That puts you ahead of much of the world, and that’s just the start. Go ahead, try it, count your blessings: 1,2,3...

Deborah is a public speaker and the author of Is There Room for Me, Too? 12 Steps & 12 Strategies for Coping with Mental Illness. She is currently recording it as an audiobook and CD set.  Deborah has also published two romantic comedies. All three books are available at Amazon.com, Barnes and Noble.com, Kindle Editions, iBooks, and other major vendors; or  you can order them from your local bookstore. Visit her web page at www.lafruche.net, or see her catalog at www.lastlaughproductions.net. She has narrated a guided meditation CD, “Island Journey,” produced with her husband, musician Robert Hamaker; available on iTunes, Amazon, CD Baby, and many other venues.

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Taking it Slow

I’ve been trying to think of what to write about next, with little success - which is why you haven’t heard from me. After all, I’ve been writing this blog for 3 years now, and how much good advice does any one person have?

So here’s a thought: how about if you suggest some topics? I did get one suggestion already: to write about panic attacks. The problem is, I’ve never had one, and have no tips to offer. So if any of you are good at dealing with this symptom, please leave a comment below or email me at lastlaughpro@gmail.com. Perhaps we can have a guest blogger on the topic.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, I want to make a pitch for living life a little more slowly. This has been one of the more important life tactics I have adopted since my diagnosis. I can stay pretty level-headed if the pressure is low - if I am not rushing, multi-tasking, or trying to do too many things in a day. I am less insane if I do not live at the insane pace of modern life.

Granted, there are times when a lot needs to get done. But even so, it is best to do one thing at a time. I honestly think multi-tasking is a crock. Instead of doing one thing well, then going on to the next thing, we end up doing several things badly because we are not paying full attention to any of them. As often as not, we just waste more time fixing the mistakes we made because we were distracted. Calm down, already. Life comes to us one moment at a time. Our minds are less fevered when our activities do, too.

I have found that if I make more than two appointments for any given day, it is a mistake (the number for you might be different, but it’s worth finding out what your limit is). Perhaps it’s my Anxiety Disorder, but just knowing that all those demands are stacked up ahead of me like fences to jump makes me feel squeezed and unhappy and nervous. When will there be time for me? When will I breathe, or make any spontaneous choices?

I understand that some people are constituted differently. They want structure, activities lined up like dominoes, never a dull moment. If that is your makeup, do what suits you best, of course.

But otherwise, if you are disabled and cannot work full time, what’s the big hurry? The one glorious thing our condition may give us is TIME. This is a priceless gift. It cannot be bought, bargained for, or restored. It is irreplaceable. Take a deep breath and enjoy yours.

Deborah is a public speaker and the author of Is There Room for Me, Too? 12 Steps & 12 Strategies for Coping with Mental Illness. She is currently recording it as an audiobook and CD set.  Deborah has also published two romantic comedies. All three books are available at Amazon.com, Barnes and Noble.com, Kindle Editions, iBooks, and other major vendors; or  you can order them from your local bookstore. Visit her web page at www.lafruche.net, or see her catalog at www.lastlaughproductions.net. She has narrated a guided meditation CD, “Island Journey,” produced with her husband, musician Robert Hamaker; available on iTunes, Amazon, CD Baby, and many other venues.

The Dividing Line

After a lifetime spent with various sorts of people, I find myself thrown in these days with a rather New-Age-ish crowd. Which is fine. I am a long-time believer in the old adage, “live and let live.” I even agree with them on many issues. But more and more, I am having a problem with parts of their outlook, as they are recommended over and over again to me. There are two major sticking points (and I hope you will make allowance for my imperfect understanding). I feel pushed to “let go of my limitations” and to adopt an updated version of positive thinking.

Now, there are some very good points in favor of both attitudes. It is quite true that, as conditioned members of society, we tend to hem ourselves into strict little comfort zones and stay there, when we are capable of more. Ask any psychologist (or any teenager), and I suspect they will tell you that risk is necessary sometimes. Everyone needs to stretch themselves once in a while. Life lived in a box is not healthy or humane.

There is also much to be said for positive thinking. There always has been. I am aware that I have spent much of my lifetime in struggles for survival, and this has led to a problem-focused, ‘downside’ habit of mind that really isn’t helpful. Once we thoroughly understand and a problem (and we must to think about it to do that), it behooves us to concentrate on the solution. The results are better, and the relief to the nervous system is enormous.

Further, I will even concede to those who claim that looking on the bright side improves life itself. To an extent it does. As I say, it feels better, and more than that it sharpens your alertness to any helpful circumstance or fresh opportunity; the kind that can drift by unnoticed if you’ve got your head in a dark cloud. As we with altered states know better than anyone, perception, or state of consciousness, is everything.

But there are philosophies, such as that in The Secret, which seem to propound that the way you think will actually change events - that the Universe will in fact respond to you and give way to your desires. This is just one baby step away from magical thinking. And it is a step too far for me.

Now mind you, I’m not saying they’re wrong. It might be true. I don’t know. I try never to judge others’ belief systems. BUT - and it’s a big ‘but’ - as a mentally ill person I cannot afford to think this way. It is profoundly dangerous to my shaky grip on reality. It smacks of delusion. The Secret - which I’m only picking on as an example, I actually like the book - encourages its audience to speak, act and believe that things which they want, but which haven’t happened yet, are actually true now.

It is just one small step to telling people that your Pumpkin carriage is waiting for you out in the parking lot, with the Prince inside. People get locked up for stuff like that.

The mentally ill cannot afford to play patty-cake with physical reality. We need a concrete grasp to stay sane. We need to look our circumstances in the eye and say, “this is what it is.” After that, we can work to make things better. At our own pace.

If our world also becomes blessed with synchronicity, if the Universe hands us gifts, that’s wonderful. Be joyful.

The same thing goes for “letting go of our limits.” As individuals with a medical condition, we have very specific things we cannot do. I have learned over the years which behaviors and events produce meltdown and which sustain serenity. It is not “negative” to respect these limits, any more than it is “negative” for a diabetic to turn down cake and pie and ice cream at a party.

I have seen this played out time and time again. Someone will try to convince me that I can do X or Y if I would only stretch myself; that it’s “not really hard,” that it’s “for my best interest.” And those people suffer with me when they are treated to my screaming, shouting breakdown. They thought it was OK. But they were WRONG. They don’t have my condition, and so they don’t know, no matter how well they THINK they understand it. My therapist made the remark about cake and diabetes, and she ended by saying, “What do you have to do to convince them? Go into a coma?”

Remember, when it comes to your mental condition, YOU are the only expert. Don’t be pushed around.








Deborah is a public speaker and the author of Is There Room for Me, Too? 12 Steps & 12 Strategies for Coping with Mental Illness. She is currently recording it as an audiobook and CD set.  Deborah has also published two romantic comedies. All three books are available on Amazon.com, Barnes and Noble.com, Kindle Editions, iBooks, and other major vendors; or  you can order them from your local bookstore. Visit her web page at www.lafruche.net, or see her catalog at www.lastlaughproductions.net. She has narrated a guided meditation CD, “Island Journey,” produced with her husband, musician Robert Hamaker; available on iTunes, Amazon, CD Baby, and many other venues.

Your Suggestions

The results are in...though I didn't see any posts, I got several personal and Facebook responses to my "grounding techniques" blog. The following have been suggested to me. It is no surprise that every one of them has to do with linking back to your physical body, which is as grounding as earth itself.

aromatherapy
swimming (also showers and baths: water on the skin is very effective)
running (goes with "exercise" from last week)
Tai Chi
massage
putting on scent, such as aftershave or cologne (goes with "aromatherapy", above)


It is also said that certain stones and crystals are grounding. For instance, I have a large piece of tourmaline that seems to steady me when I remember to hold it and breathe deeply.

That's all the feedback I have noted so far...next question for your input: when does "positive thinking" or New Age "Manifestation technique" go too far and become simply delusional? What's your take on this? I'd like to address that question. Things are a little hectic in my life right now, but I'll tackle this subject soon. Stay tuned.

Deborah is a public speaker and the author of Is There Room for Me, Too? 12 Steps & 12 Strategies for Coping with Mental Illness. She has also published two romantic comedies. All three books are available on Amazon.com, Barnes and Noble.com, Kindle Editions, iBooks, and other major vendors; or  you can order them from your local bookstore. Visit her web page at www.lafruche.net, or see her catalog at www.lastlaughproductions.net. Her newest project is a guided meditation CD, “Island Journey,” produced with her husband, musician Robert Hamaker; available on iTunes, Amazon, and many other venues

Down to Earth

Lately, I’ve had trouble sticking to the real world. I spend a lot of time doing cerebral things - writing, sitting at the computer, reading, listening to people - and then there is the issue of those other, extra dimensions I go to that normal people tend not to visit...I sort of lose myself, though I don’t often go all the way to delusions.

And it occurred to me, maybe we could all use some advice on how to keep from floating away in the ozone. Altered states are easy for some of us. The trick is how to get back.

So I started a list for myself of my top ten grounding techniques. It’s not a very long list yet. What I’m hoping is that you, my readers, will contribute and help me and all of us find good ways to come back down to earth when we’ve been floating away. Here’s the beginning list:

1. Eat something. It’s a direct connection to the physical and literally weighs you down. Comfort food is good, especially meat if you’re not vegetarian.

2. Take a walk. The rhythmic motion of your body helps, and so does seeing some nature, if there’s any you can get to. Actually, any exercise will help.

3. Clean something. The dirtier the better. Scrubbing the sink, sweeping the porch, shaking out the welcome mat, all of it counts. Plus, you get a clean rug (or whatever) at the end of it.

4. Personal hygiene. Getting your hair wet or cutting your toenails is real three-dimensional stuff. Putting on makeup does NOT count - that takes you off into the area of fantasy, who you wish you were, how you’d like to look.

5. Gardening. Start by pulling weeds. The original down-to-earth.

6. Do something with your pet. Stroke it, walk it, play with it, help it turn its hamster wheel. Direct interaction with animals is an energy transformer, and being responsible is a good tie to life.

7. Dispose of clutter. It could be paper, or it could be the knick knacks on the shelves or your three hundred pair of shoes. Deciding what you can and can’t live without brings you right to the here and now. This sort of goes with ‘clean something.’

8. Get manual. Build a shelf, sew on a button, chop vegetables. Microwaving and using the sewing machine do not count.

9. Meditate. I recommend yoga especially, because it’s physical.

10. This one may sound odd, but it works for me: activate your root chakra with your voice. You do this by saying or singing the syllable “UH” for as long as you can, on as deep a note as you can. Supposedly a good number of times to do this is seven, but choose for yourself. This gets a vibration going right at your base, which is good for you in all sorts of ways and appeals to the primitive part of you. Think of it as caveman therapy, if you like.

What else can you suggest to me? I’d love to hear what works for you so I can try it myself.

Deborah is a public speaker and the author of Is There Room for Me, Too? 12 Steps & 12 Strategies for Coping with Mental Illness. She has also published two romantic comedies. All three books are available on Amazon.com, Barnes and Noble.com, Kindle Editions, iBooks, and other major vendors; or  you can order them from your local bookstore. Visit her web page at www.lafruche.net, or see her catalog at www.lastlaughproductions.net. Her newest project is a guided meditation CD, “Island Journey,” produced with her husband, musician Robert Hamaker; available on iTunes, Amazon, and many other venues

On the Move

I’ve been thinking this month about resolutions and why we make them. Depending on the year, I can fall on either side of the argument about whether to make New Year’s Resolutions or not. But it’s really not about “I’m going to lose 10 pounds.” It’s really about hope, and that’s something we all need.

Life with mental illness can often be devoid of the markers other people use to gauge their progress. If you can’t work, for instance, there is none of the built-in feeling of “I’m finished” at the end of the day, no projects you’ve completed, no deadlines met, and no raises or promotions. Sometimes bare survival can get very hard indeed, and we feel that is all we can expect out of life.

But survival for survival’s sake is not enough for human beings. Resolutions speak to the human need to say, “I’ve decided I want things to change, and I’m going to MAKE them change.”  When you are prone to altered states, it can seem that everything is out of your control. It is especially important for people in our position to have reachable goals and possible dreams. As day by day goes by in your funky supported housing and nothing gets better or changes, it is easy to stop dreaming. This way lies apathy and death. Not having a dream is a most pernicious form of suicide. I read somewhere that when you are killing time, you die a little yourself in the process. We need hope.  As Abraham Cowley once wrote, “Hope! of all ills that men endure, the only cheap and universal cure.”

It may be useless and discouraging to wish for A Cure. It may even be too much, at any given time, to say, “I’m going to lose the 60 pounds my medicine put on me.” But you could start with a broader dream, such as, “I’m going to have better health,” and then think up little reachable steps, such as taking a multivitamin every morning. Then you can proceed through other small steps, such as eating a salad twice a week, or taking a regular walk, and as you achieve these things you gain confidence. One day, eventually, you will be consulting your doctor about just how few calories you need to keep the pounds off, and designing a diet for yourself.

By the way, if your dream is eventually supporting yourself again, I recommend you look up the International Clubhouse (www.iccd.org). If there is a Clubhouse within reach, this is an excellent place to take part in a work-ordered day, train for supported positions in the community, and eventually re-enter the work force. Their statistics on the numbers of members who have succeeded in this process are impressive and encouraging.

The important thing is that we each have a dream that is meaningful to us, and not outside the bounds of possibility. Perhaps your dream will be a variation of your original life goal before receiving your diagnosis. And then be sure to support that dream, at whatever speed works for you, with little bitty steps in the direction you want. They can be tiny and infrequent steps, and it is not abnormal to fall backwards sometimes and have to start over. As long as we feel we are moving. I would personally recommend 2 or 3 goals, so that when one is not panning out you can at least look to some other goal for your satisfaction. For example, I haven’t written even one chapter of a novel this year, but I did lose a bunch of weight. So when my inner critic starts carping at me, I have something to shut it up.

Of course, manic people like me may actually make too many resolutions (or too big), and suffer collapse and burn out. When I realized this year that my projected resolutions numbered FIFTEEN, I decided to call it off.  You don't always have to have a specific resolution. You just have to want to go somewhere, take one step, and believe that the next step is possible.


Deborah is a public speaker and the author of Is There Room for Me, Too? 12 Steps & 12 Strategies for Coping with Mental Illness. She has also published two romantic comedies. All three books are available on Amazon.com, Barnes and Noble.com, Kindle Editions, iBooks, and other major vendors; or  you can order them from your local bookstore. Her newest project is a guided meditation CD, “Island Journey,” produced with her husband, musician Robert Hamaker; available on iTunes, Amazon, and many other venues.Visit her web page at www.lafruche.net, or see her catalog at www.lastlaughproductions.net.

Last Minute Gift

The present nobody left you under the tree is peace of mind. Am I right? And just about now, you’d do anything to have it.

I have one word for you: yoga. Or even just a serious program of stretches. If you spend 20 minutes doing yoga stretches or any real stretches that involve your whole body, this will do a lot for your frame of mind. Why?

Well, there are some standard answers, such as what it does for your muscles, and for your circulation. There are some more esoteric reasons also that I happen to subscribe to: when a mentally ill person, or any person, walks around (or sits around) all day getting more and more tense, it is not only the muscles that bunch up and freeze, and it is not only the circulation that gets stuck. The energy moving through your system also gets stuck. It balls and snarls up in the joints and other places where you’ve been wincing or freezing. It makes you feel rotten, and as time passes with no relief, you feel MORE rotten, building and building, e.g. Holiday stress. And in many ways, mental illness is about having a snarled up energy system.

If you believe the body has only physical components, this won’t wash with you, but if you think humans are a little bit more, you will agree that we are also our state of consciousness, which pretty much equates to our energy state. The Chinese knew this, and believe that the whole body is an energy system arranged on meridians, almost like a grid, along which energy flows. Tapping into or blocking the energy flow at any point has measurable effects on our health and peace of mind, and this is the theory behind acupressure, acupuncture, and EFT (the system of treatment commonly known as “that tapping thing”). Imbalances in your energy state, I believe, are very much connected to things like being tense, jittery, and overanxious (Anxiety Disorder); depletion of energy helps to make us Depressed, and god knows that too much energy trapped in one place, not able to be dispersed, can certainly lead to Mania.

So what happens when you do yoga, or even some slow, thorough stretches, is that you open up these kinks in the system and let the energy flow freely again. It doesn’t hurt that a good yoga class often has music that helps puts you into a trancelike state, and that movements are smooth, positions being thoughtfully held for many moments at a time. The net result, at least for a time, is PEACE OF MIND. Your energy and circulation and muscles are moving in a smooth, balanced manner again, and you feel better in every way. I don’t know about you, but that’s what I want for Christmas.

I can’t speak for everybody. But I know that I can walk into a yoga class in terrible shape, maybe even just on the edge of going psychotic, and I walk out of there energized and peaceful, as balanced as I ever get. If your mental and emotional states are problematic, this is definitely a gift you should give yourself. Go down to the local YMCA and sign up; they have scholarships based on income, just right for the disabled person. Going even once a week can make a difference to your life.

It doesn’t make the Christmas rush go away, but it’s the best advice I’ve got.

Deborah is a public speaker and the author of Is There Room for Me, Too? 12 Steps & 12 Strategies for Coping with Mental Illness. She has also published two romantic comedies. All three books are available on Amazon.com, Barnes and Noble.com, Kindle Editions, iBooks, and other major vendors; or  you can order them from your local bookstore. Visit her web page at www.lafruche.net, or see her catalog at www.lastlaughproductions.net. Her newest project is a guided meditation CD produced with her husband, musician Robert Hamaker; available on iTunes and many other venues.